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Season 1 - Episode 18

Kong Fu
Episode Transcript
 view song lyrics 

Written by Nadine van der Velde
Transcribed by Qyzzy

Characters in this episode:
Kongs: DK, Diddy, Cranky, Candy
Lizards: K. Rool, Klump, Krusha
Others: Kong Fu

Cranky's second line includes a word which I can't be sure of. I think he says either "big banana" or "head banana", but I'm not sure which! If you think you know what he says, or if you spot any other mistakes in this script, or any of my others, please let me know by posting a message on KV Forums in the 'Skurvy's Scripts Discussion' thread.

Thank you!

[Scene: Forest]

   <A poster featuring DK (with a very goofy grin) is shown. The view zooms out to show the poster of DK in front of a large numeral '1', and Kongo Bongo Island below. The shadow of an 'unknown figure' is cast over the poster, and with a series of 'martial arts' sounds, the shadow figure swipes at the poster, leaving rips across DK's face>

[Scene: Cranky's Cabin]

   <View is set on the bronze DK statue, Cranky is seen walking past>
Cranky: "The measurement of the elliptical path between the sun and the moon... Blah blah blah..."
   <Cranky peers into his periscope/telescope and the lens extends through the roof space>
Cranky: "Hmm... That's it! Haha! I've figured it out! Once again I'm the superior simian, the *big/head* banana... The celestial chimp of cosmic genius..."
   <Diddy and Candy have been standing in the cabin entrance>
Diddy: "Hey Cranky!" (laughs) "You practicing moves for a new dance?"
Cranky: "No, I was figuring out the eclipse, you twit."
Diddy: (pirouettes toward Cranky) "Eclipse? Cool... What's an eclipse?"
Cranky: "It's lights-out! Which is what you'll get if you don't quit monkeying around."
Candy: "Did you finally figure out what time the eclipse will happen, Cranky?"
Cranky: "Yep, in exactly four days at 3:35 pm."
Diddy: "Hey! Just in time for the annual Donkey Kong Challenge! Hmm... Maybe I should challenge DK. You know, give him the old one-two, wham-bam, ooh ooh ooh ooh!"
Candy: "Hey Cranky, what's the point of the challenge anyway?"
Cranky: "To keep DK on his toes. The future ruler of Kongo Bongo has to be in top form if he's gonna protect the Crystal Coconut."
Candy: "You mean, if DK lost the challenge he wouldn't be future ruler anymore?"
Cranky: "That's right."
Diddy: "Hah! No one ever challenges DK, he's the biggest, strongest ape on all of Kongo Bongo!"
Cranky: "But even the biggest, strongest apes have to keep up with their training..."
   <View shifts back to the bronze DK statue>

[Scene: Banana Plantation]

   <View pans right, showing a large number of discarded banana peels surrounding DK, who is sitting beneath a banana palm with a banana in each hand>
DK: "Yeah... Fifty... seven."
   <DK eats the banana in his right hand then begins talking to the one in his left>
DK: "Well... If it ain't old mella yella... Now, it's just you and me..."
DK: (pretending to be the banana) "Oh no! My insides are turning to mush!"
DK: "That's right! You're yella, and you've always been yella. Now, I'm gonna finish you off."
Diddy: "Looks like you've already finished off half the banana plantation, DK! Hahaha."
DK: "Hey, little buddy! You're just in time to see me break my old record."
Diddy: "Number fifty-eight?"
DK: "Yup! I'm going for broke!"
Diddy: "And I'm going for cover!"
   <Diddy puts his hands over his head and looks away>
DK: "Fifty... Eight..."
   <Diddy looks again, and DK's stomach gurgles>
DK & Diddy: "A new record!!"
Diddy: "Hey ah, aren't you supposed to be training for the annual Donkey Kong Challenge?"
DK: "What for? I'm the biggest, strongest ape on all of Kongo Bongo!"
Diddy: (laughs) "That's what I said!"
DK: "Who's gonna challenge me?"
   <DK holds up a banana and chuckles>

[Scene: K. Rool's Lair]

   <Sounds of bits and pieces clanking around can be heard>
K. Rool: "I'm waiting!"
   <K. Rool and Klump are standing on the main elevator platform, surrounded by dim lighting>
Klump: "Krusha! D'ya see the problem?"
   <a torchlight can be seen, shining around the entrance to K. Rool's basement>
Krusha: "I see lots o' wires..."
K. Rool: "Then pick one, before I pickle you!"
   <lighting returns to normal>
K. Rool: "Finally!"
   <Krusha is brought back from the basement on the lower elevator platform>
Krusha: "Everything's bright again!"
K. Rool: "Not everything..."
   <Krusha looks around, oblivious as usual to his King's teasing>
K. Rool: "Now then, I have a very important announcement to make, so listen up! I... King K'rool, supreme master of evil... would like to announce that I'm abandoning my quest for the Crystal Coconut."
   <Krusha gasps, and Klump's face displays a look of shock and horror>
Klump: "Oh say it ain't so, your sinister slipperiness!"
K. Rool: "I've got a new strategy, the ultimate plan." (takes deep breath) "Instead of stealing the Crystal Coconut" (takes another breath) "I'm going to make the apes give it to me!" (laughs as he takes another breath) "Fair and square! I am going to enter... The annual Donkey Kong Challenge!"
Klump: "You are brave, sir. But what if you don't win?"
Krusha: "Can I be king?"
K. Rool: "I'm not the one who will challenge Donkey Kong!"
Klump: "Well then who, then, your, your supreme scaliness?"
   <A silhouetted figure appears at the entrance to K. Rool's lair, its presence accompanied by oriental music and martial arts sounds. The view zooms in to show the figure of an ape performing a martial arts routine. The lizards look on, Krusha appears dumbfounded, and Klump, taken aback, flinches each time the ape utters a sound.>
Klump: "It can't be!"
Krusha: (covers his eyes) "Uh oh..."

SONG: "Kong Fu Master"  Lyrics 
(Kong Fu makes a real song and dance for his grand entrance)

K. Rool: (laughs evilly) "My success is imminent! Kong Fu wins the challenge, and I win the prize!" (laughs again) "The Crystal Coconut!"

[Scene: Cranky's Cabin]

   <Diddy walks in with DK following behind, groaning>
Candy: "DK, what's the matter?"
DK: "Oh I ache all over..."
Cranky: "That's the sign of a good muscle work out!"
DK: "Not my muscles... my stomach! Ohhh..."
Diddy: "DK broke his old banana record!"
Cranky: "You ate fifty-eight bananas?"
DK: "But bananas make me strong."
Cranky: "Only if you exercise, you big dope. You were supposed to be training for the annual Donkey Kong Challenge!"
DK: "What for? Who's gonna challenge- ooh..." (makes a face as his stomach gurgles) "...me?"
   <Kong Fu appears at Cranky's door, and performs a martial art routine>
Cranky, Candy, DK & Diddy: (gasp) "Kong Fu?!"
K. Rool: (stepping into view) "That's right!"
   <View zooms in to show DK's worried face>
DK: "Uh oh..."


.  .  .


DK: "Don't worry, guys. I can get into shape again, no problem!" (picks up barrel) "All I need is a couple o' m-" (overbalances) "Woah!"
   <DK stumbles backwards and falls out of Cranky's doorway with the barrel landing on him>
Cranky: "Aha! Here it is. The official rule book says the challenge is made up of three contests"
DK: (re-entering the cabin) "Oh... Now I have to win three contests?"
Cranky: "No, ya dope. You only have to win two out of three. So, we rule out the contest of the body... We're left with..." (frowns despondently) "The contest of the mind."
DK, Candy & Diddy: "Uh... What's the third one?"
Cranky: "The contest of the heart."
   <DK grunts and struggles as he lifts another barrel>
Cranky: "I think we should cover all the bases if we want DK to win."
Candy: "Then why don't we each take a category and help coach DK?"
Cranky: "Great idea, Candy! You take the contest of the heart, I'll take the mind, and Diddy can take the body."
   <DK stumbles backwards with the barrel again, crashing in the same spot as before. Candy and Diddy close their eyes as the barrel once again lands on him>

[Scene: K. Rool's Lair]

   <Klump's head is shown in the middle of a target board, as is Krusha's>
Klump: "Uh, sir. When you volunteered us to help uh, Kong Fu, train... We didn't-"
K. Rool: "Klump! Will you be quiet!?" (in a hushed voice) "You're breaking Kong Fu's concentration."
   <focus shifts to Kong Fu, who leaps out of view and attacks Klump & Krusha, shattering the target boards and leaving the two lizards sprawled on the ground>
K. Rool: "Oh-ho-oh... Bravo! Oh a new chopping record, Kong Fu! Oh, such strength, such power, such precision!" (laughs) "Donkey Kong won't know what hit him!"
Klump: (still lying down, lifts head up) "I... I can vouch for that." (head drops again)

[Scene: Forest]

   <DK is doing barrel-lifting to exercise his arms under Diddy's tuition>
DK: "Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five."
Diddy: "DK, you're doing great! This morning you could barely lift a barrel, now look at you!"
DK: "I know, I'm pumped! I'm back in the driver's seat, little buddy. King of Kong! Thriller gorilla!"
Diddy: (suddenly gloomy) "Well, no wonder it's so easy... The barrel's empty!"
DK: (voice echoing inside barrel) "I thought it was kinda light."
Diddy: "Oh-ho-ho-ho, great. There goes the contest of the body."
DK: "Don't worry little buddy, there's still the other contests."
Diddy: "That's right! There's still the contest of the mind."
DK: "Yeah, yeah! The contest of the mind..." (DK looks uncertain) "What's that one about again?"

[Scene: K. Rool's Lair]

   <Klump and Krusha are showing obvious signs of having endured further attacks from Kong Fu>
K. Rool: "We will now commence with part two of the training- Contest of the Mind."
Klump: (pokes his dizzy head out from a mine cart) "Yes, let's."
K. Rool: "We'll start off with a little brain-teaser from my trusty tome; 'Meditating Monks Who Write Riddles in Their Spare Time'."
   <Kong Fu stands at attention, rubs his hands together and bows, ready for the new challenge>
K. Rool: (clears his throat) "What runs, but never gets out of breath?"
Klump: "Ooh, ooh! I know! You, and your long-winded speeches."
   <K. Rool shoots a menacing glare at Klump, who plunges back down into the mine cart>
Kong Fu: "Simple. Water."
K. Rool: (laughs with glee) "Brilliant!"
Kong Fu: "I know... I wrote it."

[Scene: Cranky's Cabin]

   <Cranky is reading a large book>
Cranky: "Okay Donkey Kong, here's a brain-teaser for you... What kind of running means walking?"
DK: "I give up, what?"
Cranky: (angrily) "You're supposed to answer it, not me, you numbskull!"
DK: "Oh yeah, right!" (thinking out loud) "Okay... what kind of running means walking... what kind of running mean-"
Cranky: (furiously) "The answer is running out of gas!"
DK: "Oh!" (laughs) "I don't get it."
Cranky: (dejectedly) "I think we can rule out any hope of winning the contest of the mind..."
DK: "Things aren't looking so good, are they..."
   <Cranky shakes his head>

[Scene: K. Rool's Lair]

Kong Fu: "...The particles called electrons turned out to be negatively charged, and have a mass of about one eighteen-hundredth of a single hydrogen atom. Electrons are also fundamental chargers in static electricity. This is best demonstrated by rubbing one's foot along a carpet, then touching an object."
   <Kong Fu proceeds to touch Klump, who shrieks with distress at the static zap he receives>
K. Rool: "Bravo! That neanderthal Donkey Kong doesn't stand a chance at winning the contest of the mind!"
Klump: (speaking bitterly) "He may be strong and smart, but he's got no heart."
Kong Fu: (pointing toward Klump) "Fat-head has a point."
   <K. Rool contemplates this predicament and comes up with a possible solution>
K. Rool: "Not if you guarantee that upon winning the Crystal Coconut you will give it away, donating it out of the goodness of your heart. And who better to donate it to... than me..." (laughs in a decidedly sinister fashion)

[Scene: Outside Candy's Condo]

DK: "I'm all messed up, Candy. I can't believe I let myself get soft! I just never thought anyone would challenge me."
Candy: "Donkey Kong, there's more to the challenge than just having muscles. There's strength of the heart..."

SONG: "Strength of the Heart"  Lyrics 
(Candy tries to convince DK that his true strength comes from within)

Cranky: (empathetically) "Donkey Kong..."
Candy: "Oh Cranky, isn't there anything we can do for him?"
   <Diddy has a bright idea...>

[Scene: K. Rool's Lair]

K. Rool: "Troops, in light of my imminent victory, I feel it is appropriate to announce that I will be streamlining our operations..."
   <Klump and Krusha are startled by this, apparently knowing what will follow>
K. Rool: "Kong Fu will be taking over as General, and bodyguard!"
   <Kong Fu performs a brief routine>
Klump: "Eh, uh, b-b-but your massiveness, a body like yours c-could use two bodyguards..."
Diddy: (strolling up brazenly) "How about just one- guarding the front door!"
K. Rool: "Well, well... What do we have here? Come to grovel for mercy?" (laughs)
Diddy: "No, I'm here to warn you!"
K. Rool: "Warn us?"
Diddy: "U-huh! DK is in such killer shape he could knock Kong Fu down for the count! But if ya back off, he might let you go with just a warning this time... Whaddya say?"
   <K. Rool's eye bulges in mockery of Diddy's offer, then he and the others laugh at Diddy>
Diddy: (nervously) "Uh, uh okay then, uh, uh, we could postpone the challenge, say, um, a year, yeah, a year- you know, make the fight fair and square."
   <they all laugh at this too>
Diddy: Uh, uh, okay, uh, fine! You'll be sorry! I was just trying to
give you a break.
Kong Fu: (laughs) "Oh be I give Donkey Kong a break, a whole lot of breaks! Not to mention some lumps, bumps and bruises, 'cos when I'm-"
   <lights go out, Kong Fu starts whimpering>
K. Rool: "Klump! Stop snivelling!"
Klump: "Uh, It's not me, Sir... It must be Krusha."
Krusha: "Nope, not me."
   <lights go back on>
K. Rool: "Then who...?"
   <Klump looks beneath his feet, and Kong Fu steps back from his hiding place behind Klump>
Kong Fu: "It was him!" (points to Klump)
Klump: (exasperated) "Oh! Liar, liar, fur on fire!"
Kong Fu: "...He let the little monkey get away, too!"
K. Rool: "Never mind about Diddy, it's time to go to the battlefield. Let's show Donkey Kong who rules!"

[Scene: DK's Treehouse]

Diddy: Uh! DK, I've got great news!
   <DK is looking in the mirror, sadly>
DK: "No news is gonna cheer me up."
Diddy: "I've got a plan how you can beat Kong Fu!"
DK: "Yeah?! Oh, little buddy, that's great! I knew I could count on you!"
Diddy: "That's what side-kicks are fo-hor! Ha huh ha!"
DK: "So, what's the plan?"
Diddy: "Well, first we gotta get Cranky and Candy to stall the contest..."

[Scene: Beachfront, Funky's booth area]

   <funky music playing, Cranky and Candy are dancing>
Kong Fu: "Since when does the Donkey Kong Challenge include a pre-game show?"
K. Rool: "It doesn't! They're stalling!"
Klump: "Bravo!"
Krusha: "Encore."
Klump: "Bravo!"
Krusha: "Encore."
K. Rool: "Alright, alright, let's get on with the main event shall we?"
   <DK and Diddy are revealed to be hiding behind the booth>
DK: "What do we do now little buddy?"
Diddy: "All we have to do is stall..."
K. Rool: "According to the official rule book, if that yellow bellied neanderthal, Donkey Kong, doesn't show up" (laughs) "then I win by default." (laughs)
Diddy: "We gotta go out, or else K'rool wins!"
DK: "No sweat, just tell me what to do to beat Kong Fu."
Diddy: "I haven't figured that part out yet. Uh, but you go on ahead."
DK: "Huh?"
   <Donkey Kong unwittingly makes his presence known>
Cranky: "Donkey Kong! You made it!"
K. Rool: "Booo! Hsss!"
Diddy: "Make way for the champ! Kongo Bongo's biggest, strongest ape!"
Cranky: "I don't get it."
Candy: (to Diddy) "Yeah, what's this plan of yours?"
Diddy: "All we gotta do is keep Kong Fu busy with the other two contests. Trust me!"
Cranky: "But DK can't win the contest of the mind... Trust me."
K. Rool: "C'mon, c'mon, let's get on with it! I want to see Donkey Kong get laid out!"
Cranky: "We, the challengees, choose to begin with the contest of the mind."
K. Rool: "Booo! Hiss! Cheater, cheater, banana bread eater!"
Cranky: "You can do it, DK. Just take your time. Question. How many pieces of string would it take to reach the moon?"
   <DK thinks it over, calculating every aspect of the scenario>
DK: "One ka-zillion, three-hundred and forty-two million, seven-hundred and sixty-five."
K. Rool: "Eeeh. Wrong."
   <DK frowns, Cranky shakes his head, and the lizards celebrate>
Krusha: "Yippee."
Klump: "Woo-hoo! Loser!"
   <Candy and Diddy exchanged worried looks>
Cranky: "Same question, Kong Fu. How many pieces of string would it take to reach the moon?"
   <Kong Fu stands at attention, bows, performs a flurry of movements accompanied by attack cries>
Kong Fu: "One. The answer is one. One piece of string... If it was long enough."
Cranky: "He's right, DK."
   <The Crystal Coconut, sitting atop a podium nearby, displays Kong Fu's likeness>
K. Rool: (laughs with delight) "He's not only right, he's the winner of the contest of the mind!"
Klump: (celebrating with Krusha) "Alright! Yeeha! Woo-hoo!"
Cranky: (to Diddy) "Whatever your plan is, it's not working."
Diddy: "My plan will work! All ya have to do is stall the contest of the body!"
Cranky: "And now for the contest of the heart."
K. Rool: "No way! You chose the last contest, so I choose this one, and I choose the one where Donkey Kong gets beaten to a pulp!" (laughs, then announces sinisterly) "The contest of the body!"
   <DK grimaces as Kong Fu cries out and grabs him without warning from out of view>
DK: "Woah!"
   <Kong Fu holds DK by his arm and swings him overhead, thumping the defending champ against the ground on either side>
Diddy: "Oh no!"
   <DK is sent flying across the arena and lands awkwardly, shaking the floorboards>
Diddy: "DK, ya gotta hold off Kong Fu for as long as you can!"
   <DK staggers to his feet, Kong Fu grabs DK again and shows off, knocking the big ape around, finishing with a particularly nasty backwards roundhouse kick which leaves DK stunned>
K. Rool: "Come on, get up! You'll miss the big finale!"
   <DK wobbles his way inelegantly into the centre of the arena before falling face first>
Kong Fu: "Now to finish you off!"
Candy: "I can't bear to watch!" (turns away)
Cranky: "Me neither." (shields his eyes)
Diddy: "Five... Four... Three... Two..."
   <darkness falls over the scene, Kong Fu and the lizards gasp in surprise>
Cranky: "The eclipse! 3:35pm exactly! So that was your plan..."
Diddy: "Yep! Ha ha ha! And it worked! Oh and wait, it gets better!"
   <Diddy points at Kong Fu, who starts whimpering>
Klump: "Why, Kong Fu's afraid of the dark! Huhuh, I knew it was him!"
K. Rool: "Why, he's nothing but a big sissy! Get up, you spineless worm!"
Klump: "Why he's yellow-bellied AND lily-livered! Ha, ha, ha!"
Krusha: "He's a girlie ape."
Diddy: "Sock it to him, DK! Wham! Bam!"
Cranky: "Yeah! Finish him off."
Candy: "You'll win the challenge, DK!"
   <DK lines up a punch, but sighs and drops his arms>
DK: "Ah... I can't hit an ape when he's down."
Cranky, Candy & Diddy: (astonished) "Huh?!"
   <The Crystal Coconut glows, and displays DK's face>
Candy: "The contest of the heart, Donkey Kong won!"
DK: "I did?"
Cranky & Diddy: "He did?"
Candy: "Yeah! DK showed real heart for not taking advantage of his opponent when he was down."
K. Rool: "Look at him!"
   <The Kremlings laugh at Kong Fu as daylight returns around them all>
K. Rool: "Baby!"
Diddy: "DK, you did it! You won! You won!" (laughs)
DK: "Bananaaa Slamma! Now all I gotta do is..."
   <DK looks at Kong Fu, who has regained his fighting stance>
DK: (unconfidently) "Beat you up."
   <The reptiles resume their pitiless laughter, and Kong Fu walks up to K. Rool, immediately getting his attention while Klump and Krusha continue to joke with each other>
Kong Fu: "Now what was that about? A spine-a-less worm?! Yellow-bellied?!"
   <Klump and Krusha realise that there's trouble, hearing that last comment>
Kong Fu: "Find another chump to do your dirty work. I forfeit!"
   <Kong Fu turns and walks away>
K. Rool: "What?! You can't do that! Hey! Come back here!"
Cranky: "That means DK wins by default!"
Candy: "Woo-hoo!"
   <The four Kongs celebrate with dancing, laughter and excited chatter>
Cranky: "That's my boy!"
Diddy: "Alright!"
Cranky: "Hooray for DK!"
DK: "Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you!"
K. Rool: "Klump! Krusha! Back to the mines. By the time we get there, I'll have thought of some way that I can blame all of this on you... Two home-spun idiots!"
Klump: "Yes, Sir!"
   <Klump calls out his marching song as he, K. Rool and Krusha leave the scene>
Klump: "Hip hup, hip hup..."
Krusha: "You don't have the coconut!"
Cranky: "Well, DK, I hope you learned how important it is to keep in shape."
DK: "I sure did, and to prove it, tomorrow I'm starting my training for next year's challenge."
Cranky: "Thaaat's great."
DK: "But first, I wanna see if I can break my old banana record." (produces banana)
Cranky: (glaring) Donkey Kong...!
DK: (feeling bullied) "What?!"
   <Cranky and the others starts laughing. DK looks at them in bewilderment, and eventually joins in the laughter before finally polishing off his banana>



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Did I spell banana wrong? Was it Klump who said <insert phrase here> instead of Krusha?

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